Sometimes days go by without you being able to say a word.  Then those days turn into months and you finally have things to say but you just don't know where to even start since the beginning seems so far away.

My heart is tender overlooking this past year.  The struggles against what is right and good versus the horrible things going on in the world.  I've watched as my son came home from being away for 9 months, the joys of the holidays with family and friends, only to be reminded how short life is by loosing my husbands father, one of my parents getting sicker and a dear Grandparent passing away.  You slow down long enough to take those deep breathes, only to go back to trying to hold yourself together.  Somewhere along the line you realize that it has been along time since you have truly felt joy.  Maybe deep down you are afraid if you feel it something is going to happen that will take it away.  So you remain inside yourself trying to come to terms with your chronic pain and trying to manage it.  You fall down some stairs receiving lots of bruises and it takes you over 6 months to feel whole again, still the chronic pain is there.  In this time your Granny services are needed to watch the Grands for the summer, it is a good time and continues as your daughter's life takes a turn.  You now, make the best of each day balancing peace with your surroundings.  Oh and it isn't easy, some days you just want to crawl under a rock but then that would mean you would be more alone than you already feel.

There are a few things that have saved me from my own destruction; spending time with beloved as limited as it is right now, getting to know my son's sweetheart as she is living with us right now(she has also helped my loneliness), taking care of my Grands full time(it is so different this time around) and my art in all it's forms.  I have also had a change happen in myself, which I am realizing is so peaceful that is a strange feeling.  I'm so glad it has taken place. 

When I started to watch my Grands my daughter wanted me to not feel taken advantage of so she pays me a modest amount a month.  I decided right away that I would use my new found dollars to help my spending habits, by purchasing an artwork piece from a very dear friend. The piece that spoke to me was this beautiful Wise Owl.....she has changed me, brought me a peace that I thought I would never see.  She sits quietly as I look at her, nodding gently, giving me a sense of knowing what the next step is.  I have never had a piece of artwork touch me so much as this except for a few of the pieces I have created.

So I'm embracing everything I have learned this past year and moving forward in whatever that means for me.  Thanks for checking in and sticking around!   

It goes so fast

The weekend started when my husband and I took our last big road trip of the year in our Corvette with the Spokane Corvette Club. We weren't sure what the weather was going to be like since it started raining the night before.  We knew we would go anyway, since it was a club event and we had help working out the drive itself.

We headed out from Spokane, WA and ended in Bonner's Ferry, ID.  I promised myself I would unplug, something I am trying to do more of.  I found myself not even taking pictures of the surroundings that were at times breathe taking. 

It also had a lot to do with the large group we ended up traveling with, 32 cars for the whole drive.  We scheduled meet up places in a couple of different cities so we could all regroup.  I think the most favorite thing in doing this, is seeing people's reactions when you are in a parking lot together or just driving in a long caravan.  You really end up meeting a lot of different people and getting into some wonderful conversations.

This summer was also about our clubs event Glass on Grass, held at Riverfront Park in Spokane.  Again it is a day of hanging out visiting with the community and enjoying every ones company.  This photo is of one of the cars at the event; 1964 Convertible, pretty sweet!

One of the other fun things we got a chance to do is to participate in the Spokane's Torch Light Parade as part of the Make A Wish Group.  We had 7 cars and each of us was able to take 2 children.  It helped me to feel yet again that having a Corvette isn't just about having it but about putting smiles on people's faces!  You can't put a price tag on that.       

Fun finds

The beginning of the summer is always marked with heading out to Farm Chicks.  It is probably one of my most favorite things to do.  This year I wasn't really looking for anything but I found a few things I can't wait to put to use!

Each year is themed and I love that.  This year it was about scouting, for just the perfect items.  My fun finds included: A framed piece with handmade flowers, special linens for tote bags, buttons, scrabble tile pieces and two old bank money bags.  I think they each will make nice bags for marbles.

I've collected marbles for years, these however are my sons.  I think it might be time for me to take pictures of my stash.  I remember playing marble games with neighborhood kids, that is when I lost my favorite shooter.  Marbles were also something simple and small that if I went on a trip I could bring home as small gifts to my children.  They also make wonderful stocking stuffers, to fit down inside the toes!   

A few changes

So the month of June in this house marked a big milestone we have been working on for a year.  We got our major stuff moved from the garage to the new shed my sister in law helped us build last summer.  This meant a big thing for me, I got the old little shed for my stuff.  Okay, so I knew I had a lot of stuff but it was all spread out so I didn't think I would actually fill the dang thing.  Yep, well I was wrong and I now see myself as someone who does not need to buy a thing.

My sister in law also moved into her new house so the spare bedroom is now the Grands/Guest room.  It is also coming together nicely.  The first time we had the Grands over, they were so very excited to have their very own place to play.  Everyone was quiet and playing nicely together.  We also had a special visitor one night, our little Sage, who isn't so little anymore.  It is so much fun putting this room together for them.   

It has taken a lot to move from caregiver to where I am now.  While my feelings of being a Granny are somewhat new I can tell you that it is wonderful.  It just so fun to be with each of them.     

A new understanding

In February of this year my Son went on an adventure to Blackburn England, he would be gone for 10 months.  It has been hard, sometimes ugly for me.  We have all heard the statement; you never know what you have until it is gone.  That is what happened to me.

My Son is the last child at home, so I chalked it up as empty nesting issues.  For the first three months I lost sleep, cried loads, and ran away from myself.  It wasn't until I lost a large sum of money somewhere in my house(and still haven't found), that I woke up to realize what was happening.  Once I embraced my loss I have been able to move forward.  I know I haven't really lost my Son but in letting go not only am I growing but he is too.

Here's the thing; when he was little I never wanted him to be considered a Momma's boy.  You see it in the movies and in real life, the Mother that doesn't want to let go of her Son.  It can turn ugly and instead of growing into the man he is suppose to be he shrivels under the weight of his Mother.  I didn't want him to be that young man or for me to be that Mother.

We did normal Mother/Son stuff, snuggles before our day started, the park, movies, video games and coffee dates from the time he was born into now adulthood.  We fought over stupid things, we both hate change but somehow embrace it.  I remember the first time he asked me if he could hang out with his guy friends instead of with me.  He even had done all of his chores.  I knew right there that our lives were changing.  I however clung to knowing I would always be the one he loved first.  

Once we crossed into an adult, adult relationship instead of parent, child relationship the feelings I have for him have gotten stronger.  He is one of the most incredible people I know and I am more thankful for him now than I have ever been.  The strong bond of love that I have for him, hit me hard and has been a sweet surprise.

So today is the first of October, my favorite time of year.  It has taken me more than a week to write this post simply because it is an emotional one.  Today also marks 21 days until my wonderful son comes home.  For my birthday he told me he was coming home early.  To say that I'm just a little excited would be an understatement.  

Forgotten

When I went to Brave Girl Camp September 2014 I went with not knowing what to expect but receiving everything I needed.  As I walked around the beautiful property I was met with the messages that would touch my soul.  This one of the first ones.......

I realized then, that the time we had been helping our Daughter and Grands start a new life, that I had felt forgotten.  I hadn't really wanted to face the way I had been feeling because I was viewing it as being selfish.  I wasn't good at communicating what I needed in the beginning because I didn't want my daughter to be burdened with one more thing.  I was the Momma I should be able to take care of me in the midst of taking care of everyone else.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  We need others to take care of us too and not just when we are sick.

The thing is there is being taken care of and taking care of ourselves.  We have to love ourselves enough to do something for ourselves that refuel us when we are empty.  I spent a lot of the time when we were helping our Daughter empty.  I couldn't focus on much but trying to get through the day.  Oh how, I have family that loves me, even in my rotten days.  I know I didn't have all rotten days but I wish now I would have just stood up and said from the beginning....Please see me, show me that I am not forgotten.  Help me to take care of myself.  Push me out the door with a book or my sketch book, to go sit in a quiet place without guilt.  I just couldn't find the words anywhere in myself for a long time to give myself permission to not be okay.  I did want to be doing what I was because that is one of the things I do best.  I just forgot about me.

So my friends, whoever your are, Don't Forget About You.  Take care of you at all costs so you can be a better Momma, Wife, Daughter and Friend.  Trust me, when you take care of yourself I think you will be reminded why you are so Awesome.

I promised I would share about Brave Girl Camp so hear I go.....

September 2014, I went to Brave Girl Camp, it was a 50th birthday present to myself since it fell on my birthday.  I went with no expectations and knowing I would enjoy myself.  I was so relaxed that sleep came easy.  The friendships that were forged I am sure will be in my life in one form or another forever.  Everyone that was there spoke into my life in one form or another, probably when they didn't even know it was happening.

 
The attention to detail that the staff gave to everything you put your hands to was incredible.  From signs all around the property, to each meal or snack.  It was wonderful to be pampered and not to have to do dishes.   Most of all I felt so much love!  That kind of love helps you to truly love and forgive yourself, to keep moving forward.  It really is a glorious thing!

 

So when I came home I didn't want to share with anyone for a long time.  I needed to sit with it for a while and just allow it all to become part of me.  I was happy and content for the first time in such a long time.  I finally felt at peace with myself and everything going on around me.  It makes me happy that still over six months past camp and I still feel the same way as when I came home.  For me this is something that was life changing.  I'm looking forward to going again, when I don't know but I am sure that God's got it all worked out already.  I just have to keep allowing Him to guide my path.