Not quite halfway

For me this is a long post that I truly feel that I need to post, so please bare with me. I sit here almost halfway through the first month of 2010. It is still pretty weird to write another year down because there are days I feel life is going at a snails pace. Then I look back and realize that it is going faster than what I would like it to.

A New Year and time for reflection and for promises to ourselves that we rarely keep. You have to be honest with yourself ya, know? You can say anything that makes you feel better about that you are going to do in the New Year. Just don't beat yourself up, it isn't worth it.

So as I'm looking and reflecting I just want to bring up choosing a word for the year. For the last 4 years I have done this. Not always recording what I learned and even saying that I would share my findings. Okay, well it didn't happen so I forgive myself and move on.

2007 and 2008 brought the word Contentment. I chose to stay with this word for 2 years strictly because I felt I had more to learn from it. I was and am happy with my life but content not so much.(or at least that is the way it use to be) I need to learn to be happy with what I have, not always striving to 'have' just one more thing. In reality things aren't what is important anyway. Things can weigh you down to the point that you are cover come by them. I look back now and I see that I have always been learning that in one form or another. I just wish I had leaned it sooner so it was more up front in my face for longer.

2007, marked for me how angry I was that we didn't do anything special for our 20th wedding anniversary. I set myself up to expect something big but it wasn't. It led me to learning a detail about myself that I am only now being able to face, really face. That I take anger out on spending because it was easier than facing the hurt, pain and disappointment. The BIG thing I have learned since then is my wonderful husband is wired differently. He doesn't bow to what should be done in the world's eyes. He does things with a meaning behind them. Our 25th anniversary last June.....he took a day of vacation to be with me and we went on a beautiful drive then had lunch out. It was one of the most beautiful days for me.

2008, started with the birth of my Grandson(who is just a complete doll) and then it added the death my Step brother Greg. With that came the pain it brought my family on so many levels, the pain it brought to a friendship that is just now starting to heal. We also moved to a new city after living in one place for 19 years. I saw it as loosing everything that I deemed important to my life. So it was natural to stay with the word Contentment. It wasn't until the fall of 2008 that I could face my anger - face my angry self. Realizing that moving was the best thing for our family. Unloading more and more stuff from our house, to the garbage or to goodwill was seen as lightening the load, not taking away. That really is how I was viewing it all of it, it was being taken away. Stuff I had worked hard to get and save up for a rainy day which rarely ever came. All of the dollars lost to trying to find and or buy contentment when it was right in front of my face all along.

2009, brought its own word and lessons Moderation. Most of the year was spent rebelling over the word. Going back to feeling I needed to 'have' the newest and greatest scrapbooking supplies in order to be happy with my projects. Then coming to the end of the year realizing it is not what I have that matters.(I still have my gift of making beautiful things.) That you can have all the stuff in the world and purchasing that stuff as a means to make yourself feel better and still not be happy. In the long run you end up feeling loaded down because of the amount of stuff you have. Which ,means you end up feeling worse than you did in the first place, less contented.(funny how the words moderation and contentment actually go together)

2010, comes in with a cold chill in the air with very little snow. It took me over a week to decide if I was even going to choose one word this year. Then I decided that I needed it so here is to Hope. There is a lot in my life that needs this word. In every area God has promised me that He has our bases covered and I am holding Him to that. I'm going to choose to believe in what I don't see. Hoping that I will be strong enough to stand in the decisions that need to be made instead of getting angry.

So here is to 2010 a new decade started, a new part of life that I get to start new everyday! To new things like this that I am doing for myself because I deserve to relearn how important journalling is for my life. Healing will come in all things, one little word at a time.