Monday, October 17, 2016

Sometimes days go by without you being able to say a word.  Then those days turn into months and you finally have things to say but you just don't know where to even start since the beginning seems so far away.

My heart is tender overlooking this past year.  The struggles against what is right and good versus the horrible things going on in the world.  I've watched as my son came home from being away for 9 months, the joys of the holidays with family and friends, only to be reminded how short life is by loosing my husbands father, one of my parents getting sicker and a dear Grandparent passing away.  You slow down long enough to take those deep breathes, only to go back to trying to hold yourself together.  Somewhere along the line you realize that it has been along time since you have truly felt joy.  Maybe deep down you are afraid if you feel it something is going to happen that will take it away.  So you remain inside yourself trying to come to terms with your chronic pain and trying to manage it.  You fall down some stairs receiving lots of bruises and it takes you over 6 months to feel whole again, still the chronic pain is there.  In this time your Granny services are needed to watch the Grands for the summer, it is a good time and continues as your daughter's life takes a turn.  You now, make the best of each day balancing peace with your surroundings.  Oh and it isn't easy, some days you just want to crawl under a rock but then that would mean you would be more alone than you already feel.

There are a few things that have saved me from my own destruction; spending time with beloved as limited as it is right now, getting to know my son's sweetheart as she is living with us right now(she has also helped my loneliness), taking care of my Grands full time(it is so different this time around) and my art in all it's forms.  I have also had a change happen in myself, which I am realizing is so peaceful that is a strange feeling.  I'm so glad it has taken place. 

When I started to watch my Grands my daughter wanted me to not feel taken advantage of so she pays me a modest amount a month.  I decided right away that I would use my new found dollars to help my spending habits, by purchasing an artwork piece from a very dear friend. The piece that spoke to me was this beautiful Wise Owl.....she has changed me, brought me a peace that I thought I would never see.  She sits quietly as I look at her, nodding gently, giving me a sense of knowing what the next step is.  I have never had a piece of artwork touch me so much as this except for a few of the pieces I have created.

So I'm embracing everything I have learned this past year and moving forward in whatever that means for me.  Thanks for checking in and sticking around!