Wednesday, May 06, 2015

Forgotten

When I went to Brave Girl Camp September 2014 I went with not knowing what to expect but receiving everything I needed.  As I walked around the beautiful property I was met with the messages that would touch my soul.  This one of the first ones.......


I realized then, that the time we had been helping our Daughter and Grands start a new life, that I had felt forgotten.  I hadn't really wanted to face the way I had been feeling because I was viewing it as being selfish.  I wasn't good at communicating what I needed in the beginning because I didn't want my daughter to be burdened with one more thing.  I was the Momma I should be able to take care of me in the midst of taking care of everyone else.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  We need others to take care of us too and not just when we are sick.

The thing is there is being taken care of and taking care of ourselves.  We have to love ourselves enough to do something for ourselves that refuel us when we are empty.  I spent a lot of the time when we were helping our Daughter empty.  I couldn't focus on much but trying to get through the day.  Oh how, I have family that loves me, even in my rotten days.  I know I didn't have all rotten days but I wish now I would have just stood up and said from the beginning....Please see me, show me that I am not forgotten.  Help me to take care of myself.  Push me out the door with a book or my sketch book, to go sit in a quiet place without guilt.  I just couldn't find the words anywhere in myself for a long time to give myself permission to not be okay.  I did want to be doing what I was because that is one of the things I do best.  I just forgot about me.

So my friends, whoever your are, Don't Forget About You.  Take care of you at all costs so you can be a better Momma, Wife, Daughter and Friend.  Trust me, when you take care of yourself I think you will be reminded why you are so Awesome.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

I promised I would share about Brave Girl Camp so hear I go.....

September 2014, I went to Brave Girl Camp, it was a 50th birthday present to myself since it fell on my birthday.  I went with no expectations and knowing I would enjoy myself.  I was so relaxed that sleep came easy.  The friendships that were forged I am sure will be in my life in one form or another forever.  Everyone that was there spoke into my life in one form or another, probably when they didn't even know it was happening.

 
The attention to detail that the staff gave to everything you put your hands to was incredible.  From signs all around the property, to each meal or snack.  It was wonderful to be pampered and not to have to do dishes.   Most of all I felt so much love!  That kind of love helps you to truly love and forgive yourself, to keep moving forward.  It really is a glorious thing!

 


So when I came home I didn't want to share with anyone for a long time.  I needed to sit with it for a while and just allow it all to become part of me.  I was happy and content for the first time in such a long time.  I finally felt at peace with myself and everything going on around me.  It makes me happy that still over six months past camp and I still feel the same way as when I came home.  For me this is something that was life changing.  I'm looking forward to going again, when I don't know but I am sure that God's got it all worked out already.  I just have to keep allowing Him to guide my path.  

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Growing

Sometimes I feel alone even when I know that I am not.  Countless people have told me over the last years that I isolate myself and am silent.  I've learned to embrace this flaw in myself, if you want to call it that.  I wish I could help people to understand to not take it so personally.  It is what I choose because sometimes, I can't take one more thing on, emotionally or mentally.  I have even pushed my own self away - not connecting because I don't want to see what might be underneath.

My life has been my children.  I have never allowed myself to think on or about the time without them.  When they would be all on their own, living their own lives.  It was to painful for me to look at.  People call it being an empty nester, I call it an empty me.  There was a time I would look at it everyday but that ended up being one of the things that threw me into depression.  Loosing sight of what was really important, the beautiful faces in my everyday.   

Now before everyone starts with, oh you are enough, you get this time to yourself, its a new chapter, a time for you and your hubby.  I so get that!  However, I have needed to reinvent myself in a way to give myself permission to take care of me.  No worrying about family, my kids and even my Grands.  Focusing on me.  I am not going to apologize to anyone for starting to take this time for me.


For the first time in such a long time I am content.  I don't feel a sadness when I think of my children.  I can look at my life as a mother and rejoice in the lives I have raised.  While being gone from this world, is still something I can't look at completely without some anxiety, it is getting better.  Which means I am growing, that is all I have ever wanted for myself.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

A journey

My journey hasn't been easy the last couple of years.  I have shared bits and pieces of my struggles but ya, know what?  I was doing a pretty good job of hiding from myself, while hiding from others.  When you see yourself for who you really are it is almost like you see yourself as a fraud.  I can surely preach or give my advice to just about anyone but when it comes to doing it for myself...ya whole other story.  Boy, am I good with stories, especially the ones I make up in my head!  Do you create stories in your head?  You might find this POST enlightening. I know I did when I heard the concept at Brave Girls Camp when I went in September!

See this year marks my 50th birthday and I chose this year to take care of myself in every area.  Learning to say "NO" when I wanted to say "YES" because I truly didn't want to let anyone down.  You would think after 30 years of learning this concept I would actually know how to do it without pain to myself.  I am a peacemaker and well peacemakers are about creating other peoples peace not one's own.  Sometimes, we allow people to walk on us like a doormat and before we know it we are dirty with everyone dirty and grim.

Seriously it is hard to say "NO" and it makes my soul hurt.  Then something happens, you see that their is a bigger plan in play than you ever thought possible.  That is what I LOVE seeing and hearing about.  So I am going to try to remember that my "NO" might just be a "YES" for another person.

 

Friday, July 25, 2014

Celebrate Life

This past June I celebrated my 30th wedding Anniversary.  Sometimes it is seriously hard to realize that we have been together for that long.  In my mind I can still see us as young parents running after our children, then I see them.  Growing old use to scare me and to be honest it still does at times.  I guess now, I am just learning that life is all to short to be caught up in the worrying about stuff.  God doesn't want us to do that anyway. 



My husband gave me a very special gift for our Anniversary, a beautiful 2003 Cobalt Blue Corvette.  For 25 years he has always asked what kind of car I have wanted.  Bright blue, a two seater(so we don't have to take anyone with us) and I wanted to be able to go fast.  Truth be told I didn't think he would remember my idea of a dream car but it is safe to say he got it spot on!  I have named her Charlie after her former owner, our brother in law Chuck Reece who lost his fight with cancer this past spring. 

So today I am going to enjoy life.  I am going to choose to not get caught up in the what ifs.  I will enjoy the sun on my face, the light breeze I feel across my cheeks and a good drive in my new car.  My friend Goog died this past week suddenly of a stroke and she will never feel those things again.  I want to make sure I don't take things for granted, life is to short for regrets.  So here's to you Chuck Reece and Goog......I will drive with the top down for you because it looks like it is going to be a good day for it!


Saturday, July 19, 2014

Be Gentle

Where have I been?  Taking care of little ole me, which I promised myself I would do this year. 

I have spent the last several months with a personal trainer and I am happy to report that my mind is changing towards serious exercise.  I have had lower back issues for years, it has been increasing in pain for a few months.  Showing itself in the form of nerve issues in my feet.  Imagine having tons of little needles poking into the bottoms of your feet, then it leaves you with a burning tingling feeling or like you have little crawling things on your skin.  A check up with my doctor found me going in for an xray.  They found that I am having some arthritis in my lower back.  I believe their is probably a bit more going on, since I have lost a half inch a year for the past couple of years.  If their is nerve damage going on, nothing can really be done except for time for them to heal.  Exercise is helping but doesn't relieve all the pain. I am getting stronger and just have to keep doing what I am doing to have relief.  I am learning to be gentle with myself in every area of my life.  It is hard when you are your own worst critic, who wants instant results.

So many changes have been happening and I promise to share more with you very soon!  I just won't let two months go by before posting again.  Please continue to come back!  I do have so much to share with you as the fog is lifting from my heart.  

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Life

Life just keeps going, each day passes brings new life.  When I made the decision last fall to have my hernia surgery I gave myself permission to take care of me.  I haven't always done the best job of that...self care.  Deciding to take this year to take care of me in all things hasn't been easy.  Sometimes I am scared of the words that come from my mind so much so that I can push them away telling myself that I don't have time to think about them.  The reality is in doing that I have hurt part of myself.  It took me saying yes to self care to understand that.  I have not wanted to face the disappointment I have had with myself in so many areas.  I have realized though that if it wasn't well with my soul that there was going to be no way I could be okay with anything else in my life.  Now I know their is no going back to change things but I can change where I am now.  That is the kind of change that I am learning to be okay with.  Somewhere the last couple of years I stopped choosing to be happy.  It was like I was slowly drowning and I couldn't get any air no matter how much I knew I shouldn't take on other peoples stuff.  How could I be happy if others around me weren't?  I let so much effect everything in my life.  Since my last post I feel like I am coming out of a deep fog.  I can see things a little bit clearer now and life is getting ready to change again for me.  All is good and I am learning what over flowing joy is all about.  I'm doing my best to embrace it!  I hope you will come back to visit.