Tuesday, August 27, 2013

A little bit of sunshine

For quite awhile now I have been praying for another kitten.  It has been pretty difficult to fight the urge since my son works at Pet Smart!  He sends me countless pictures of these precious babies and then comes home talking about them.(not to mention the puppies!!)  Every time he gets that Oh but they are so cute tone in his voice my husband says NO WAY!  NO MORE Kitties!  

We have 2 beautiful babies....Sneakers, a Light Grey Turkish Angora  and is 9 years old.  Then Archie short for Archimedes is a mix of some sort Dark Grey with White and is 6 years old.  They fight rough and tough some days.  Reminds me of the old cartoons that you see of two cats fighting and fur flying.  They are lovey and social.  I never met any other cats like them.

So when I visited the pet adoption place at my son's work over a month ago I saw this beautiful little girl kitten.  I told my husband but of course he coined his favorite word NO!  Then this past weekend he was picking up our son from work since his car is in the shop right now.  He saw her, without any prompting from me and fell in love.  He came home talking in a little boy voice, telling me about this cute little girl he saw and how she was playing with him.  Ah yes, little Margarita stole my husbands heart right then and there.  I went to the store Sunday night but the adoption center was already closed for the day.  She is a year old and a Turkish Angora with Green eyes.

So the day finally came that I never really thought would happen.  He said YES and yesterday I brought her home.  I am in love, she has stolen everyone's heart.  She is not hissing and growling much at her brothers now.  Late last night before I went to bed she crawled up onto my chest and started purring.  I think I may have wiped a few tears away, as I started to pet her and cuddle.  On a side note, when you have a one year old in the house everyone talks in funny voices!  lol    

Sunday, August 25, 2013


I can sit here in my chair and can think about everyone storm I have faced in my life.  Boy, some of them have been pretty ugly so full of darkness.  The kind you wonder if you will ever see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Then you just see a speck of light, just piece to give you hope.

Right now my house is quiet except for a movie someone is watching in a different part of the house.  However, right outside the thunder and lightening storm the weather man has been promising for days now has just moved in.  I've missed them all because they have come in the middle of the night this summer.  Tonight though, I think I am going to embrace the storm and let it wash away the pain that I have been feeling in my heart the last few weeks. 

Friday, August 23, 2013

Not another day

I'm trying so hard to get back into writing.  Some days I feel I have a handle on it and then some days like today I just don't have it in me.

So today I will share a couple of pictures from my garden.  Enjoy!

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

A little bit of art

So I have been able to work on a couple of art journal pages.  They make me so happy!

The girl was I saw in a magazine and just redrew her.  Putting her in a tree just seemed like the best thing.

I created these pages around Springtime but still fun to finish.

All images are drawn in pencil and then watercolored with my Neocolor II's, which I am totally in love with.  I have used a black Faber Castel size S.  The words for the pages just hasn't come yet.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013


This seems to be my word the last couple of days.  I have found it almost impossible to be able to sit for long periods of time.  Everything my Grands do or say have me so tight I can't even think straight.  I've resulted to trying to keep busy with this and that most doesn't work.  If I am good to find something, I get interrupted.  Most days would be okay but the endless questions are just to much.

It is the count down to school I am guessing.  Everyone seems to be bored with the things they have been doing all summer.  Just not sure I have it in me to figure out what new thing to do with them.  Well maybe if I can get a good nights sleep things will be better in the morning.  Here's hoping!

Saturday, August 17, 2013


Yesterday turned into an emotional busy day, that in the long run was full of good.  Anything can happen when you are in counseling especially when it is with family.  You almost leave the room not even remembering everything.  It does come back once you are rested, it leaves you with a good reflecting time.  Time to think and be able to stand firm in the words you yourself spoke.

I have promised my daughter that I will never share on this blog, what she is feeling and the things she says.  I have to rebuild.  So in my journey you will hear about me, my story not anything having to do with my daughter.  She will be weaved in as part of the general story but her words are her own, not mine.  I do believe in speaking the words we need to speak even if they sometimes hurt others.  If we weren't honest with others how will we be able to be honest with ourselves.  So I know this is going to be hard to write from just one side but I am going to do my best.  

In family counseling you are told to use the words 'I feel", 'I think', basically the 'I' sentences or words.  It really helps you to take ownership to what is going on in your own head.  Usually what ends up happening is everyone ends up seeing somehow where they personally have done something wrong in communication.

My husband and I have never been afraid to work hard at things.  We did a lot of hard work when we reconciled our marriage 13 years ago.  It had come to a fork in the road and we decided to stay together.  I do remember a friend of mine at the time asking me what I wanted, did I want to stay or not.  Could it be that simple to just decide something?  To decide that you don't care how hard you have to work.  It was time to do something together and do the work that had to be done.  I have never looked back since that day.  I can tell you the people around us at the time, didn't like what we were doing.  They told me I should have kicked him to the curb but where would that have taken me?  Not to mention my children.  I had women tell me they could have never done what I did.  Well, ya know what all I did is what God asks each of us to do.....live a life of forgiveness and grace.

Seems to be a pattern in my life forgiveness and grace.  I'm even learning to extend that to myself, it is pretty awesome.  When you learn these things you tend to not get stuck in your past.  You are able to walk upright so if you are ever put into a place where you are seeking family counseling that you can take responsibility for your actions.  It really does leave you feeling pretty good about yourself. 

Friday, August 16, 2013


Thought I would share a little bit of peace with you today.

Beautiful Mt. Rainer

Wednesday, August 14, 2013


Yesterday I needed a day of rest.  It was a big day, my oldest Granddaughter turned seven.  Time just keeps ticking away..  It shows up each day even when you don't want it to.  It even throws you curve balls.

My youngest daughter leaving was a curve ball, even though I could see and feel it coming.  The signs were there, her getting rid of things she had kept close for a long time.  I was seeing it happen but felt there was nothing I could do or say to make it better.  I honestly didn't feel as if I was giving up but letting her find her wings without her feeling like I was suffocating her.

When you are faced with something like this it would be easy to hold onto the words you hear.  You are mentally/emotionally abusive and you are a detriment to her healing, it changes you.  You then realize just like others that have come into your life, you must extend forgiveness.  The thing is she won't see it right away.  I NEVER want it to seem like I am invalidating her feelings because I am not.  I do believe she is not seeing what she is doing to others around her, the damage she is causing.

So today I say in this very public place of the Internet, I am calling on God's name, to break every chain.  I will dance in this fire and I WILL take back what the devil has stolen from me!  Jesus is my everlasting freedom and He has always promised me that He would redeem time that is stolen from me.  Today I am holding Him to this promise.       

Monday, August 12, 2013


Forgive me today for nothing special.  I am tired, emotionally tired which leads to me just being drained.  I am adjusting to a new overhead fan in my room and trying to decide if I really need white noise to sleep.

I am trying to remember that I am right where I am suppose to be, facing the things that I am to make me stronger.  Everything right now makes me look at my life, which in the long wrong isn't bad.  I know I am not the most perfect person in the world and I have made my share of mistakes.


What I do know is I am enough.  These are such good reminders! 

Sunday, August 11, 2013

A blessing

So last weekend my husband and I were able to get away for my 30 year class reunion.  It was so what we needed, a good distraction.  I love spending time with my husband, he is my best friend.

On our way home on Sunday we were both so tired, we did a little bit of talking but honestly we were just enjoying each others company.  We were stopping just a few miles out of Spokane to get gas, it was so hot.  As we pulled up to wait our turn at the pump I looked out the window and saw my husbands Great Grandparents.  The most interesting thing is they had missed their turn off and just happened to be there.   Oh my gosh, it was such a God wink!

These lovely people have made me feel from the beginning that they are my Great Grandparents.  Over the years I have had some of the most beautiful conversations with them.  When ever we talk about our kids they want to know everything and how to pray for each of them.  That is what I cherish the most and this time was no different.  In short we shared what has been going on with our youngest.  Afterwards we stood in the parking lot and prayed for her.  I can't tell you how light I felt at that moment, that despite everything we were seeing that it was all going to be okay.  I felt like I was walking on sunshine!

I hope I am patterning myself after them as a Grandparent!

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Just listening

I'm sitting here listening to all the different noises in the house.  My Grands are asking questions and making statements making sure you are listening to them.  There is music going and my son is playing his pinball machine that he just bought.....he cleaned his room so he could make room for it.

I'm reflecting over my life and seeing how far I have come.  I see the strong person I have become and for the first time in a long time, I can say I love the person I am becoming.  I truly believe that no one ever stops growing unless they want too.  You never stop, your opinions change as you take in what you see in your life.  You learn to love harder and to slow down to smell the roses so to speak.  You start to see what is the most important in your life and just let go of the rest.

hklwdfdoi.....my son reaching over my shoulder and typing letters!  lkaoinew... he is wanting me to come play a game of pinball.

I will leave you with this for today because it really has helped me......

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...You must do the thing you think you cannot do.  ~Eleanor Roosevelt   

Friday, August 09, 2013

A little bit of heart

I have a little secret of my heart...I am almost 49 years old and when I have terribly rough days I have been known to snuggle with one of my Teddy Bears.

It all started with this little guy when I was just learning to walk.  He doesn't quite look all fluffy and new these days.  Oh the adventures we have been on and the secrets he has been told.

Then there is this big guy.  I swear he was bigger than I was but special all the same.  I was sad the day he wouldn't fit in the car when we were moving.

Then I met and married my husband.  He is the biggest bear of all but it is nice to have something fluffy every once in awhile.  So every now and again he would get me a bear.  This one he gave to me when we found out we were going to have our first baby.

Then for over 25 Christmas's I received a bear each one is special because he took the time to pick them out.  Somehow each of them has made me feel closer to him.  Some have held many tears when he has been away, while others just make me feel loved.

So you know a secret and a little bit of my heart.

Thursday, August 08, 2013


I have had to teach myself how to play and give myself permission on a daily basis to play.  It has never come easy and it has taken years for me just be okay with even leaving things in my house undone.  Now when I have a task that I don't want to do I have to balance it with my art, things I can do in a short amount of time.  For me it is what works.

As I have found my way in the art world, there have been so many artists that have truly helped me to develop a sense of belonging.  Each has given me one more measure of confidence to believe in myself and feel comfortable with calling myself an artist.

One of those artists is Kal Barteski, please visit her blog and be inspired.   She recently spoke at TEDx Manitoba about Polar Bears, her journey in life and what Play means to her.  Please take 18 minutes and watch THIS talk.  It is uplifting and encouraging.

Tuesday, August 06, 2013


It is said that laughter is good medicine.  I think I would have to agree.  I remember watching Mary Poppins  on the big screen at the theater and I dreamed for months what it would be like to dance on roof tops with the chimney sweeps.  I had the soundtrack of the movie on a record....yes, I am dating myself....I would turn it up really loud when my family wasn't home and jump off the furniture. 

One of my most favorite scenes in Mary Poppins has to be when Mary takes the children to see her Uncle.  He is laughing so hard and they sing about all the different way people laugh......Watch it here

How do you laugh?  A few weeks ago we got to laughing as my son talked about his day at the pet store.  It was time for inventory, not only do they have to inventory toys, food but also fish and crickets.  Yes, crickets....oh my gosh, it lead to the belly laughing that leaves you with sore muscles.  I did have a good nights sleep!  For the record when I get going on laughing I am not embarrassed to say that you will hear a snort or two.....lol. 

Monday, August 05, 2013


What does flying mean to you?  What do you see when you think of flying?

Flying to me means soaring like an eagle or a hawk, high above things and being able to see across a vast place.  When I would feel broken I never felt I could see the big picture.  Years ago I read a blog post by Melody Ross and this weekend she just happened to do a little video about that post.  Please watch it HERE

When you face things with your children you want save them, it is human nature to protect our young.  There comes a time though, when your babies are pushed out of the nest or jump all on their own.  They fall and as a parent you take on their pain.  Your heart aches as you walk around your house feeling an emptiness unlike any you have felt before.  You go to the grocery store, you find yourself stopping, putting back that favorite something of theirs and buying less of what you once needed a lot of.  Then in that same moment, you breathe...you brush away a tear.....another breath and an everlasting peace flows, knowing they are finding their way.  In that instant you begin to realize that just like them, you are learning to fly but just in a different way than before.   

Sunday, August 04, 2013

To know love

It is always important to know that you are loved!

My husband took these photos for me while he was away on an overnight backpacking trip with our Grand Niece and a few others.  He knows I love flowers....I think these are better than the store bought ones any day!

Saturday, August 03, 2013

My heart

The two things over the last 13 years that are been important to me is Truth and Forgiveness.  I think I remember sharing about these things before but not the why behind them.

I have a relationship with the Lord.  He is pretty dear to me.  He is my everything, even when I think I don't measure up to what a Christian should be.  I believe in God's spirit directing my everyday.  If I get a call from someone who needs help I am more than willing to put my day aside to help where I can.  I committed my life to the Lord when I was 16 and have prayed since "Lord, make me more like you.  Teach me Father what it means to Forgive and walk in it."  I didn't know what these words really meant.  I didn't know what I was in for.  All I did know was my life wasn't working the way I wanted.  If that meant that I had to give up my will to walk closer to Him, to believe who He said He is, I would do it.  I cried out for Him to show me how much He loved me.  He did when he brought my biological Dad back into my life.  That day I NEVER have turned back even when I wanted too.

I never turned away when I faced a 7 year depression that I would walk out of with my life.  I never turned away when my oldest daughter tried to end her life.  I never turned away when God showed me gently that I was controlling things in my life.  More of my life He wanted, every inch of it, to fill me to my soul.  I had to look at my anger and choose to let it go.  I had to look at my marriage and admit to my part in almost destroying it.  Only to have it be rebuilt to something I thought could never exist in my life.  I would Forgive my husband for not being faithful and we came out to the light.  I have grown stronger as my oldest daughters have left home and one faced there own hardships.  Always asking God to take care of them because I knew I couldn't.  I had to get my hand off them so He could work. 

Today I find myself there again in a big way.  My youngest daughter left home three days ago.  Was it a shock, no....I could feel it coming.  It was sooner than I thought it would be, she is almost 18.  I tried engaging her by text only to be told that I was incapable of talking to her, that I am mentally/emotionally abusive and she no longer fees safe in my home.  She is willing to work at restoring what is broken but only if everyone in the house goes to family counseling.  That if we force her to come home should would injure herself.

She is facing a hard road but I am confident that God is going to take these ashes, the crumbling and turn it into something I can't even imagine.  We have made others uncomfortable because we believe in true Forgiveness and Truth.  We leave people shaking their heads as God works everything out according to his plan.  What choice do I have?  My way doesn't ever work out.  Today I am grasping onto Hope, allowing God to shine as a million suns! 

Do it God, whatever you need to do because without You I am NOTHING!    

Friday, August 02, 2013


As I sit here I wonder how many times I have sat in front of my computer screen over the past year.  Trying to let me fingers find the letters on the keys.(One of the best things I did one summer before I was in Junior High I learned how to type.)  I wanted each time to scream for help but then I questioned every word, deleted and walked away. 

I have said before that silence can kill you, it almost did.  It took a special young lady coming into my life to help me to see how much I had let the silence eat away at my life.  I had become complacent allowing negativity to take place in my heart and life.....not even believing I could choose happiness everyday.  I never wanted that but somewhere along the road you decide that silence is better than being hurt by other peoples words and actions.  What had changed my mind about talking?  Seeing a new person coming into your life and asking you with every ounce of respect, "Why do you allow this?"

So to this beautiful young lady, you know who you are.  You showed me what I had lost and needed to grieve over so I could embrace my Peace again.  I love you so much.  You my dear are a peacemaker.  Thank you for helping me to see what I should have seen all along.  It is because of what you have said that I am sitting in front of my computer screen allowing God to guide my fingers across the keys.  Be blessed my dear in knowing you are made for GREAT things!  Helping me was one of your GREAT things!  Keep doing GREAT things and I will see you soon then.

Thursday, August 01, 2013

All things new

Music speaks to my soul.  Since I am starting an adventure this month with Effy Wild, blogging something each day, it feels natural to share my heart like this first.  Please click the highlighted words for links to videos.

I feel Worn

I feel as if I am broken in Ruins

I had almost forgotten who is in control of my life.  Who has given me the Freedom I have. 

I almost forgot that He always has His sight on me.

No more running or hiding this time.  I have things to say.  I am going to be Brave this month and say what I need to say.  No more silence because in the silence is where you die.