Saturday, August 03, 2013

My heart

The two things over the last 13 years that are been important to me is Truth and Forgiveness.  I think I remember sharing about these things before but not the why behind them.

I have a relationship with the Lord.  He is pretty dear to me.  He is my everything, even when I think I don't measure up to what a Christian should be.  I believe in God's spirit directing my everyday.  If I get a call from someone who needs help I am more than willing to put my day aside to help where I can.  I committed my life to the Lord when I was 16 and have prayed since "Lord, make me more like you.  Teach me Father what it means to Forgive and walk in it."  I didn't know what these words really meant.  I didn't know what I was in for.  All I did know was my life wasn't working the way I wanted.  If that meant that I had to give up my will to walk closer to Him, to believe who He said He is, I would do it.  I cried out for Him to show me how much He loved me.  He did when he brought my biological Dad back into my life.  That day I NEVER have turned back even when I wanted too.

I never turned away when I faced a 7 year depression that I would walk out of with my life.  I never turned away when my oldest daughter tried to end her life.  I never turned away when God showed me gently that I was controlling things in my life.  More of my life He wanted, every inch of it, to fill me to my soul.  I had to look at my anger and choose to let it go.  I had to look at my marriage and admit to my part in almost destroying it.  Only to have it be rebuilt to something I thought could never exist in my life.  I would Forgive my husband for not being faithful and we came out to the light.  I have grown stronger as my oldest daughters have left home and one faced there own hardships.  Always asking God to take care of them because I knew I couldn't.  I had to get my hand off them so He could work. 

Today I find myself there again in a big way.  My youngest daughter left home three days ago.  Was it a shock, no....I could feel it coming.  It was sooner than I thought it would be, she is almost 18.  I tried engaging her by text only to be told that I was incapable of talking to her, that I am mentally/emotionally abusive and she no longer fees safe in my home.  She is willing to work at restoring what is broken but only if everyone in the house goes to family counseling.  That if we force her to come home should would injure herself.

She is facing a hard road but I am confident that God is going to take these ashes, the crumbling and turn it into something I can't even imagine.  We have made others uncomfortable because we believe in true Forgiveness and Truth.  We leave people shaking their heads as God works everything out according to his plan.  What choice do I have?  My way doesn't ever work out.  Today I am grasping onto Hope, allowing God to shine as a million suns! 

Do it God, whatever you need to do because without You I am NOTHING!    

1 comment:

Cara said...

I wish you the strength to deal with these struggling times. <3