Fun finds

The beginning of the summer is always marked with heading out to Farm Chicks.  It is probably one of my most favorite things to do.  This year I wasn't really looking for anything but I found a few things I can't wait to put to use!

Each year is themed and I love that.  This year it was about scouting, for just the perfect items.  My fun finds included: A framed piece with handmade flowers, special linens for tote bags, buttons, scrabble tile pieces and two old bank money bags.  I think they each will make nice bags for marbles.

I've collected marbles for years, these however are my sons.  I think it might be time for me to take pictures of my stash.  I remember playing marble games with neighborhood kids, that is when I lost my favorite shooter.  Marbles were also something simple and small that if I went on a trip I could bring home as small gifts to my children.  They also make wonderful stocking stuffers, to fit down inside the toes!   

A few changes

So the month of June in this house marked a big milestone we have been working on for a year.  We got our major stuff moved from the garage to the new shed my sister in law helped us build last summer.  This meant a big thing for me, I got the old little shed for my stuff.  Okay, so I knew I had a lot of stuff but it was all spread out so I didn't think I would actually fill the dang thing.  Yep, well I was wrong and I now see myself as someone who does not need to buy a thing.

My sister in law also moved into her new house so the spare bedroom is now the Grands/Guest room.  It is also coming together nicely.  The first time we had the Grands over, they were so very excited to have their very own place to play.  Everyone was quiet and playing nicely together.  We also had a special visitor one night, our little Sage, who isn't so little anymore.  It is so much fun putting this room together for them.   

It has taken a lot to move from caregiver to where I am now.  While my feelings of being a Granny are somewhat new I can tell you that it is wonderful.  It just so fun to be with each of them.     

A new understanding

In February of this year my Son went on an adventure to Blackburn England, he would be gone for 10 months.  It has been hard, sometimes ugly for me.  We have all heard the statement; you never know what you have until it is gone.  That is what happened to me.

My Son is the last child at home, so I chalked it up as empty nesting issues.  For the first three months I lost sleep, cried loads, and ran away from myself.  It wasn't until I lost a large sum of money somewhere in my house(and still haven't found), that I woke up to realize what was happening.  Once I embraced my loss I have been able to move forward.  I know I haven't really lost my Son but in letting go not only am I growing but he is too.

Here's the thing; when he was little I never wanted him to be considered a Momma's boy.  You see it in the movies and in real life, the Mother that doesn't want to let go of her Son.  It can turn ugly and instead of growing into the man he is suppose to be he shrivels under the weight of his Mother.  I didn't want him to be that young man or for me to be that Mother.

We did normal Mother/Son stuff, snuggles before our day started, the park, movies, video games and coffee dates from the time he was born into now adulthood.  We fought over stupid things, we both hate change but somehow embrace it.  I remember the first time he asked me if he could hang out with his guy friends instead of with me.  He even had done all of his chores.  I knew right there that our lives were changing.  I however clung to knowing I would always be the one he loved first.  

Once we crossed into an adult, adult relationship instead of parent, child relationship the feelings I have for him have gotten stronger.  He is one of the most incredible people I know and I am more thankful for him now than I have ever been.  The strong bond of love that I have for him, hit me hard and has been a sweet surprise.

So today is the first of October, my favorite time of year.  It has taken me more than a week to write this post simply because it is an emotional one.  Today also marks 21 days until my wonderful son comes home.  For my birthday he told me he was coming home early.  To say that I'm just a little excited would be an understatement.  

Forgotten

When I went to Brave Girl Camp September 2014 I went with not knowing what to expect but receiving everything I needed.  As I walked around the beautiful property I was met with the messages that would touch my soul.  This one of the first ones.......

I realized then, that the time we had been helping our Daughter and Grands start a new life, that I had felt forgotten.  I hadn't really wanted to face the way I had been feeling because I was viewing it as being selfish.  I wasn't good at communicating what I needed in the beginning because I didn't want my daughter to be burdened with one more thing.  I was the Momma I should be able to take care of me in the midst of taking care of everyone else.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  We need others to take care of us too and not just when we are sick.

The thing is there is being taken care of and taking care of ourselves.  We have to love ourselves enough to do something for ourselves that refuel us when we are empty.  I spent a lot of the time when we were helping our Daughter empty.  I couldn't focus on much but trying to get through the day.  Oh how, I have family that loves me, even in my rotten days.  I know I didn't have all rotten days but I wish now I would have just stood up and said from the beginning....Please see me, show me that I am not forgotten.  Help me to take care of myself.  Push me out the door with a book or my sketch book, to go sit in a quiet place without guilt.  I just couldn't find the words anywhere in myself for a long time to give myself permission to not be okay.  I did want to be doing what I was because that is one of the things I do best.  I just forgot about me.

So my friends, whoever your are, Don't Forget About You.  Take care of you at all costs so you can be a better Momma, Wife, Daughter and Friend.  Trust me, when you take care of yourself I think you will be reminded why you are so Awesome.

I promised I would share about Brave Girl Camp so hear I go.....

September 2014, I went to Brave Girl Camp, it was a 50th birthday present to myself since it fell on my birthday.  I went with no expectations and knowing I would enjoy myself.  I was so relaxed that sleep came easy.  The friendships that were forged I am sure will be in my life in one form or another forever.  Everyone that was there spoke into my life in one form or another, probably when they didn't even know it was happening.

 
The attention to detail that the staff gave to everything you put your hands to was incredible.  From signs all around the property, to each meal or snack.  It was wonderful to be pampered and not to have to do dishes.   Most of all I felt so much love!  That kind of love helps you to truly love and forgive yourself, to keep moving forward.  It really is a glorious thing!

 

So when I came home I didn't want to share with anyone for a long time.  I needed to sit with it for a while and just allow it all to become part of me.  I was happy and content for the first time in such a long time.  I finally felt at peace with myself and everything going on around me.  It makes me happy that still over six months past camp and I still feel the same way as when I came home.  For me this is something that was life changing.  I'm looking forward to going again, when I don't know but I am sure that God's got it all worked out already.  I just have to keep allowing Him to guide my path.  

Growing

Sometimes I feel alone even when I know that I am not.  Countless people have told me over the last years that I isolate myself and am silent.  I've learned to embrace this flaw in myself, if you want to call it that.  I wish I could help people to understand to not take it so personally.  It is what I choose because sometimes, I can't take one more thing on, emotionally or mentally.  I have even pushed my own self away - not connecting because I don't want to see what might be underneath.

My life has been my children.  I have never allowed myself to think on or about the time without them.  When they would be all on their own, living their own lives.  It was to painful for me to look at.  People call it being an empty nester, I call it an empty me.  There was a time I would look at it everyday but that ended up being one of the things that threw me into depression.  Loosing sight of what was really important, the beautiful faces in my everyday.   

Now before everyone starts with, oh you are enough, you get this time to yourself, its a new chapter, a time for you and your hubby.  I so get that!  However, I have needed to reinvent myself in a way to give myself permission to take care of me.  No worrying about family, my kids and even my Grands.  Focusing on me.  I am not going to apologize to anyone for starting to take this time for me.

For the first time in such a long time I am content.  I don't feel a sadness when I think of my children.  I can look at my life as a mother and rejoice in the lives I have raised.  While being gone from this world, is still something I can't look at completely without some anxiety, it is getting better.  Which means I am growing, that is all I have ever wanted for myself.

A journey

My journey hasn't been easy the last couple of years.  I have shared bits and pieces of my struggles but ya, know what?  I was doing a pretty good job of hiding from myself, while hiding from others.  When you see yourself for who you really are it is almost like you see yourself as a fraud.  I can surely preach or give my advice to just about anyone but when it comes to doing it for myself...ya whole other story.  Boy, am I good with stories, especially the ones I make up in my head!  Do you create stories in your head?  You might find this POST enlightening. I know I did when I heard the concept at Brave Girls Camp when I went in September!

See this year marks my 50th birthday and I chose this year to take care of myself in every area.  Learning to say "NO" when I wanted to say "YES" because I truly didn't want to let anyone down.  You would think after 30 years of learning this concept I would actually know how to do it without pain to myself.  I am a peacemaker and well peacemakers are about creating other peoples peace not one's own.  Sometimes, we allow people to walk on us like a doormat and before we know it we are dirty with everyone dirty and grim.

Seriously it is hard to say "NO" and it makes my soul hurt.  Then something happens, you see that their is a bigger plan in play than you ever thought possible.  That is what I LOVE seeing and hearing about.  So I am going to try to remember that my "NO" might just be a "YES" for another person.

 

Celebrate Life

This past June I celebrated my 30th wedding Anniversary.  Sometimes it is seriously hard to realize that we have been together for that long.  In my mind I can still see us as young parents running after our children, then I see them.  Growing old use to scare me and to be honest it still does at times.  I guess now, I am just learning that life is all to short to be caught up in the worrying about stuff.  God doesn't want us to do that anyway. 

My husband gave me a very special gift for our Anniversary, a beautiful 2003 Cobalt Blue Corvette.  For 25 years he has always asked what kind of car I have wanted.  Bright blue, a two seater(so we don't have to take anyone with us) and I wanted to be able to go fast.  Truth be told I didn't think he would remember my idea of a dream car but it is safe to say he got it spot on!  I have named her Charlie after her former owner, our brother in law Chuck Reece who lost his fight with cancer this past spring. 

So today I am going to enjoy life.  I am going to choose to not get caught up in the what ifs.  I will enjoy the sun on my face, the light breeze I feel across my cheeks and a good drive in my new car.  My friend Goog died this past week suddenly of a stroke and she will never feel those things again.  I want to make sure I don't take things for granted, life is to short for regrets.  So here's to you Chuck Reece and Goog......I will drive with the top down for you because it looks like it is going to be a good day for it!

Be Gentle

Where have I been?  Taking care of little ole me, which I promised myself I would do this year. 

I have spent the last several months with a personal trainer and I am happy to report that my mind is changing towards serious exercise.  I have had lower back issues for years, it has been increasing in pain for a few months.  Showing itself in the form of nerve issues in my feet.  Imagine having tons of little needles poking into the bottoms of your feet, then it leaves you with a burning tingling feeling or like you have little crawling things on your skin.  A check up with my doctor found me going in for an xray.  They found that I am having some arthritis in my lower back.  I believe their is probably a bit more going on, since I have lost a half inch a year for the past couple of years.  If their is nerve damage going on, nothing can really be done except for time for them to heal.  Exercise is helping but doesn't relieve all the pain. I am getting stronger and just have to keep doing what I am doing to have relief.  I am learning to be gentle with myself in every area of my life.  It is hard when you are your own worst critic, who wants instant results.

So many changes have been happening and I promise to share more with you very soon!  I just won't let two months go by before posting again.  Please continue to come back!  I do have so much to share with you as the fog is lifting from my heart.  

Life

Life just keeps going, each day passes brings new life.  When I made the decision last fall to have my hernia surgery I gave myself permission to take care of me.  I haven't always done the best job of that...self care.  Deciding to take this year to take care of me in all things hasn't been easy.  Sometimes I am scared of the words that come from my mind so much so that I can push them away telling myself that I don't have time to think about them.  The reality is in doing that I have hurt part of myself.  It took me saying yes to self care to understand that.  I have not wanted to face the disappointment I have had with myself in so many areas.  I have realized though that if it wasn't well with my soul that there was going to be no way I could be okay with anything else in my life.  Now I know their is no going back to change things but I can change where I am now.  That is the kind of change that I am learning to be okay with.  Somewhere the last couple of years I stopped choosing to be happy.  It was like I was slowly drowning and I couldn't get any air no matter how much I knew I shouldn't take on other peoples stuff.  How could I be happy if others around me weren't?  I let so much effect everything in my life.  Since my last post I feel like I am coming out of a deep fog.  I can see things a little bit clearer now and life is getting ready to change again for me.  All is good and I am learning what over flowing joy is all about.  I'm doing my best to embrace it!  I hope you will come back to visit. 

Pain

Yet again I learned a lesson the last couple of weeks about pain...if any of your teeth are hurting for any reason go to the dentist! 

After my surgery in December my jaw joint was hurting like crazy.  I chalked it up to being under pain, a little stress with the holidays and all the adjustments that have been being made to my schedule so far this year.  Well, with face swelling and pain not going away, even with Tylenol it was time to do something.  Dentist didn't even need to see me before he put me on antibiotics to make it through the weekend until I could get into seeing him the following week.  A couple of x-rays later a root cancel was needed. They got into the damaged tooth only to find 2 more that needed to be done.  So I can tell you this.....3 root cancels in one day isn't fun especially when it has to be taken care of through a crown.  I wouldn't even wish it on my worst enemy!  It turned out that some decay got underneath my crown so today marks the day I go in to have it replaced.

To all of this, you can add two of our cats needing to go in for dental surgery to have a few of their own teeth removed.  Cats teeth actually will rot if they don't fall out and can start causing other issues.  With our oldest Sneakers it showed up in bad scabs on his face.  At least now they are happy cats, overly happy.

Tomorrow I meet with a personal trainer to work on getting in shape so I can just feel good all over.  I sure hope everyone in the house remains healthy for the rest of the year!!    

Healing

It sometimes takes so long to heal and it kind of reminds me of winter.  Winter settles in, you wrap yourself up in a nice blanket and you wait to see the growth that is going on underneath.  That is how it has been for me for such a long while.  I have tried to force things but it comes back to me needing to slow down, waiting for my strength to return.  Everyday I am taking steps to take care of myself.  For for someone who has always taken care of others it is a big deal to me.  I've never been good with saying no to people because it is in my nature to help others.  Now it is time for me.

I started this past fall by taking a new Brave Girl class called Soul Comfort.  It was such a good thing for me and it helped me to settle into taking care of myself.  I didn't realize that I had almost forgotten what it was like.  I have had to face how busy I have been with taking care of my Grands full time.  While I love to do it most days and so glad they are part of my life I wasn't taking care of me.

The fall was followed by winter which is still surrounding Spokane with cold temperatures.  Christmas was quiet for me as I was recovering from my surgery for my umbilical hernia, with very little baking taking place.  I sat back and took care of me.  It was some of the worst pain I have ever had.  I depended so much on my family and they were right there making sure my every need was met.  When everyone went back to work/school in January I actually had to remember how to make meals for myself. It took me about 2 weeks to get back into the swing of things.  Slow going, when you aren't suppose to lift over 15 lbs.

I kept myself busy with working on two very special Quiet Books for my two youngest Grands.  Loads of hand work!!  I can say I perfected my blanket stitch!!  As of today I am designing out the covers and will soon be putting the finishing touches on them!  Soul Comfort ended and I was able to win a place in the new Brave Girls class called The Walk.  I am learning so much about myself again and doing so more growing.  This new year has also marked me moving to taking care of my Grands part time.  My daughter has a wonderful man that is in love with her and the children.  They are now blending their two families and expecting another little one come June.

This day I feel blessed and full.  I don't like everything that is going on in the world but my world is good.  Lots to look forward to, challenges to meet head on and people to love.  Really, it can't get any better than that!  Happy New Year everyone and thanks for sticking around!    

I am alive and Merry Christmas

Oh my friends and family how I have missed visiting with you.  Rather than quilt myself into posting, to be a negative Nancy while I was posting, I chose to just rest and take care of myself.  It has felt good so good to focus on taking care of me.  As I write it, it seems awful selfish but trust me sometimes we have to be selfish when it comes to taking care of ourselves.  I have been far to forgetful about myself for way to long.

I have been taking a new course by Melody Ross called Soul Comfort.  We are encouraged to do hard things as well as easy things.  My hard thing was to make a surgery date for my hernia.  I am happy to say that surgery time has past and I am recovering nicely.  It sure does make getting out of bed interesting but I tell you what I am looking forward to not being in pain anymore.  I am even looking forward to going to the gym when I receive my doctors release!  Through this I have learned that I am way stronger physically than I thought I was.  It makes me happy with myself.

This Christmas is going to be a bit different.  Everything around here is low key this year and I am truly okay with that.  I have even scaled back in gift giving which has made me feel pretty darn good.  I have even been able to resist compulsive buying.  I am finally becoming at peace within myself and it is so nice.

To you and your family, Merry Christmas!  Take time for yourself this Christmas, it will make all the difference to those around you because you will be in a good mood.

Not typical

I am not a typical Grandparent.  I fall into a category of a Grandparent that is helping to raise her Grandchildren, that makes me a statistic.  You add to this that my home is also their home and it throws in a whole new dynamic.  I never wanted to be a statistic.  It has taken me almost two years to grieve over the loss of what I thought being a Grandparent should be.  My daughter and I joke about me being her other half, the reality is I am never going to be able to be her other half.  I can't give her the love she craves or the security she needs for her and the children.

My daughter told me something the other day and it has changed my way of thinking....I am my Grand children's other half.  I am with them everyday, helping to raise them.  When my daughter is at work they are either with me or at school.  My daughter and I have faced our share difficult days of not seeing eye to eye on discipline but I am learning.  We have become a strong unit for the kids and I am able to sit back letting her be the Mom when she is home.   Anyone who knows me, this is a BIG thing!

I am seeing how as parents we grow up with our children and we settle into whatever age they are in.  It is hard to go back to those hard places, when you have settled with being done with having young children around.  Memories flood back when you are in the midst of a 3 year old's tantrum or a 7 year old's attitude.  You start to remember what worked and what didn't.  It makes you feel so worn out. 

One of the things that I don't do well anymore is loud.  I can only put up with it for so long, even the TV gets loud.  I have to constantly remind myself that kids just need to be loud at times and I don't tune things out well.  I seriously just want to scream and most of the time that is what I do on the inside.  I look forward to the quiet of the mornings and the quietness that comes when everyone is fast asleep.  I can finally think, finish a sentence or even a conversation!

In sharing today I just want others that might be facing the same thing that you aren't alone.  It does get better because I am finally seeing it!  It just takes time, more time than some of us would like.  Let's all just hold on for a bit more and see how far we can go. 

Sunrise and Sunset

This week I have seen both a Sunrise, Sunset and two Thunder lighting storms.  It is strange how they calm me and I think sometimes you can forget how beautiful they are.  Last night was one of those storms.  Our new princess of the house was so scared.  I wrapped her up in a blanket holding her for 20 minutes.  Then this morning she climbed up onto my chest while I was drinking my coffee.  Pure Bliss I tell you.

This week was the start of school for the Grands so I only have one at home now.  Tell you what....this little one is a firecracker and can talk so much when no one is around.  We are all getting into a routine and I'm looking forward to next week to just keep working on it. 

I've also been working on cleaning up my corner, which has needed it for so long.  To many days of just not putting the little things away, then before you know it you feel so overwhelmed you turn around and walk back out.  So I decided to not walk out!  Slow going but it will feel good to just be able to just walk in and play.  My space also shares a spot where I pay my bills.  I haven't quite got that worked out yet but it is getting better. 

It's a New Day

A day of facing that you aren't always going to have your act together.  That some days are just plain awful but to not wallow in self pity because if you allow yourself to stay there you will be eaten alive.

There have been more than a few things going on in my life BUT like I have felt in the past a shifting.  No more just sitting around just waiting for things to change.  If I sit and wait I will not be happy. 

I read this blog post yesterday from Melody Ross.  I can so relate and felt she was writing things from my heart.  I have even had a very special friend of mine tell me that when things aren't right in my world I go into hiding.  It seems I have been in that place for quite awhile.  I sit here trying to analyze things, trying to understand people and things around me.  Most of all trying to fix things myself and to get out of this rut or ditch I feel that I am in.  Just like Melody I have wanted to hide out until it gets better or goes away.  That fact is, it isn't going to go away quickly and it has taken me embracing this ditch to come to terms with that fact.  It is amazing to me that when you embrace something that little by little it becomes easier to step out into the things that are more positive. 

One of the things I have been doing is making small things huge thinking if I do that somehow I can grasp onto my Mom.  Yep, there I said it....one of the many things on my heart.  She is gone and isn't coming back.  I have been missing her so much the last few months.  Part of the grief process I know but hard all the same.  I sometimes feel alone, then I remember I am not.  I have a God that gives me grace everyday and fills me up when I am at the end of me.  Family that loves me despite the emotional roller coaster I seem to be on.

Today I am tired of of hiding out and am going to take care of my soul.  It is time to take care of me.

Divine appointments

Do you believe in them?  I sure do.  I believe He is here, walks with us even when we can't see anything in front of us.  I have had a few of them the last couple of weeks so I thought I would share them here.  Maybe it might help you to walk with a little more purpose if you are scared. 

I honestly haven't had the best few months.  Adjusting to so much, feeling invisible to everything around me and having to shoulder so much on my own(or at least it has seemed like it).  Good days have been few and far between.  I finally pushed the fear away with the help of a wonderful hour long worship service I found on YouTube.  It was a day that I just allowed myself to be quiet, no distractions so I could allow my focus to be on Him.  Tears fell for me that day and it was so what I needed to feel close to God, to know He had my back always.

Since then I have gone into the doctor to just talk about a list of things that I was really afraid of.  With a lot of encouragement from some very special ladies in my life I was able to walk with a confidence I haven't had in awhile.  Today I am waiting for my blood work to come back to see where I am in this journey of peri menopause along with a few other things.  It is amazing to me the people He brings into your life at just the right time.  The people I didn't think I needed were the ones I have needed the most!  Thank you ladies, you know who you are, my Brave lovelies!

Today was a day off for me, just with a few simple errands that needed to be done.  One of those things I treated myself to a coffee and a double chocolate brownie, after all I had just fasted 12 hours so I could have my blood work done.  I was just going to head home but I felt I needed to sit down in one of the comfy leather chairs.  A nice lady came up and was sitting waiting for someone.  We introduced ourselves and that is where the day and time became divine!  I honestly don't remember everything we talked about but I just shared my heart.  I do remember sharing about my trip to Nebraska over a year ago now, about the key things I have learned as being a part of Brave Girls.  She then began to tell me how she just lost her Aunt Jewel a couple of weeks ago and she has been feeling led to call her Uncle who lives in Nebraska.  She then blessed me by thanking me for talking to a complete stranger, blessing her life with my words and allowing her to bless me.  That is exactly what she did today.  Everything about what I am doing right now for my daughter, grand kids and the rest of my family is just plan hard most days.  It is nice to know that God is right their, He has my back always!  Thank you God for Marion, may you bless her in the journey she has before her!

Life seems to forever in a state of chaos BUT there is beauty and peace!

 

 
That is what has become my comfort, seeking peace.  Remembering that being alone doesn't have to be a bad thing.  So I am resting, trying to find my wings so I can soar.

Most days it is slow going and I find myself sometimes filled with anxiety.  Always going back to finding things I can control that bring me peace.  Soon Spring will be here, I am seeing signs in my yard.  I am looking forward to getting out there but the weather needs to go up just a few more degrees before I won't freeze my hands off even with gloves on.

Hello.....

February.....the little old ground hog didn't see his shadow so this means an early spring.  Oh how I hope so!  I am ready for the smell of freshly turned dirt that comes with spring.  You know the smell, it is when those flowers start pushing up their heads trying to find the sky and the warmth of the sun.  That is where I kind of feel I am right now, trying to push my authentic self to the surface.  I truly feel a heavy weight baring down on me and it has been making me angry.  Angry because I just can't figure it out, if it is one thing or a combination of things.  I want to get quiet so I can figure it all out but my  house is anything but quiet.
 

The only thing that seems to help is making art but I've always known this.  It is really hard to let myself go when I create strictly because I am a perfectionist.  Yes, little ole me, liking things a certain way all the time.  I am trying to remember that I don't need to be perfect but in my head right now I seem to not be doing much right these days.  I know it is a perspective thing.  Trust me I am trying to relax and just let things go.  It just leaves me tired and then my outlook isn't very good.  I am taking advantage of the days that my daughter doesn't work until later in the day and that is helping.  Slowly I am figuring things out just sometimes I wish it could be faster.  Then I have to remember if it was faster maybe it wouldn't stick with me.

 Happy Valentine's Day and may you be blessed beyond measure!!  

It's cold outside!

We are hard and fast into winter right now.  The weather is bitter cold, the hot chocolate kind of days that make you want to sit under the covers all day.  Rarely though, do I get to do that because as a Mom and Granny, duty calls. 

You can however even tell when winter hits inside the house because this is what my dishwasher looks like....more mugs!    

For years I have had these little mugs just waiting for little grand kids in my life.  I am happy to report that they are being used and it makes me so happy.  Hot Chocolate complete with peppermint mini marshmallows!  The little dipper mug I have had since Nicole was little and she used to use it when she had 'coffee' with Daddy.