Thursday, May 17, 2007

Have you ever been the bad guy?
I never liked it as my older girls were growing up. I wanted to be liked and loved by my children not hated. Somewhere along the lines I realized I wasn't on this earth to be their friend but to be a loving parent. One that gives discipline and advice even on the chance that it isn't going to be liked. Which leads to being the bad guy.
I just stopped trying to sugar coat things and even how I felt. I did my best to give loving support but still being firm about where my lines were. They weren't use to that, the lines being drawn. There were use to fussy lines or no lines at all from me. So as they grew I did too. I became stronger and not so angry about having to be the bad guy.
How they must have been weighted by me and what was going on in their lives. I confided to much in them about my own life problems. I felt alone, so when asked, "Momma are you okay?". I would honestly give them more details then they truly needed. I regret not allowing them to be children, letting them laugh more, and just be silly. If I could, I would go back and let them be loud on days I wanted peace. I would be thankful for the noice in my house and find the peace I needed in that. Knowing someday their laughter would be gone from these walls.
All of this leads me to asking, if I hadn't learned to be the bad guy or even shared what I did with them, would they be as strong as they are now? I look at these two beautiful souls and I am so proud of who they have become.
Funny thing is, I may not have to discipline them anymore but sometimes I am still the bad guy. With the element of not having to discipline, comes a line of friendship that I really like to be apart of. I have discovered that what they do is their life and I am so happy they are finding out who they are. It can be sad to not be really apart of their lives much anymore. To not have them live near me so we can go on coffee dates, to just catch up on life.
My problem comes when we are talking about our lives. I ask questions on why they are doing something a certain way. Then that gets turned around somehow, that I am trying to tell them what to do. I know that is not what I'm doing. They don't need to answer to me, justify their actions or even try to impress me. I am going to love them regardless of what they choose to do with any part of their lives. I'm only here to give suggestions and opinions when they are wanted. Is it wrong to want to learn from them? Hey, I might learn a new way of doing something!! I am always open to that.
So I am back to being the bad guy, most of the time, not really knowing why in the first place and sometimes not knowing where my lines are.
I guess I have more growing to do.

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